I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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