we're blogging at a bar
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
