i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize