My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
