My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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