so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
