His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
