Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
