I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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