I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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