She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
