Soap is not a condiment
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
