i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
