Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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