It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
