i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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