Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Panties = found
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
