he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
