you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
