I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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