lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize