Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We got so high we made milksteak
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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