i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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