He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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