um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize