I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
