you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
