I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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