you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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