I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Success! We fucked roommates!
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