I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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