I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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