he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
