yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
