If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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