zippers are such a cool invention
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
