you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
