I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
