I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
