it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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