I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
