I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
