something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
