Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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