Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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