Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
