Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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