remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
