Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
