You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
