All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
