I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
soo... how was my night?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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