Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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