i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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