You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
