so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
