Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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